One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.