Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.