I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
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Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
My dating profile:
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
#SCOTUS one-star review
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
🖤✌🏽
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts