when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
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If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.