Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro