I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
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The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”