isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*