My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Lol.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
🤣🤣🤣
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.