Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
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“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’