Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
screw you
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Just how popey was the pope today?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.