Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Real House Wines.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.