I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
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I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Dyslexics are teople poo!
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it