What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
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[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
What the hell is going on?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.