Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
You Might Also Like
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I put the p in pants.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”