Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Become a minion. Get that bread.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Imma just leave this here…………