“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
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I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat