If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.