girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups