My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
decorating my apartment
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.