“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My dog ate my work from home.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Not recommended for beginners.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.