Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
bury ourselves
🤣
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.