My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
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Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I’m good, thanks.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
cat faces on other animals, a thread
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need