DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
We’re all getting idioter.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
12. I think about this all the damn time
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”