colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
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[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.