Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.