Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.