“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend