You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors