No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
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My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Classic German Shepherd 😂
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):