Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Mornin. * use accordingly
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
When you kidnap a writer.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits