Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit