5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
You Might Also Like
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.