If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
School be like
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…