employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.