Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
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Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*