I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.