How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
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If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
put ‘er there pardner!
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.