I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
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Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I’m already scared
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
the Monday after daylight savings
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
At least he brought enough for everyone
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER