Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
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My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
How about daylight saves us for once
Damn he played himself
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Bread puns are on the rise!
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.