Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”