Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
You Might Also Like
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.