*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Autocorrect completely socks
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
just pretend nothing happened
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.