The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
You Might Also Like
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family