The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
water it, i dare you
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other