RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
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Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
These aliens are taking forever.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no