Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.