*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
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There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.