Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
welcome back
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face