Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
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“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
This is my bus stop.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
just pretend nothing happened
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.