[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
You Might Also Like
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose